Confused and desperate
Blog -> Family
what happened in the last few days was very confusing to us. To make a long story short: We have around as many leads to a place as we had when we arrived here a month ago (=none). And we're really confused about what just happened.
When I wrote about our house hunting last time, we had several leads, with "Place A" being the one that God clearly put on our hearts, but we had C as a backup. So last week we got 2 news: First of all, Place C also fell through. The landlord decided on someone else. We weren't too unhappy about it. First of all, it would have been a temporary place either way (It's too far out) and we would have had to buy a kitchen. And since we knew that God was leading us towards Place A, it kind of made sense. We asked God to not bring us into the situation where we get offered another place while Place A isn't decided yet. So we thought: "Well, that's the answer to that prayer as well." And it all made sense.
The only problem was that we hadn't heard anything from Place A. So we eventually decided to contact the agent, somehow wondering whether the place had been given to someone else. It was with some surprise that the agent said that the decision had not yet been made, we were still in the mix. He expected a decision that day (which was last Wednesday). So we started praying again. And God made it totally clear: "This is the place for you!" We continued praying for the place, asking God for further confirmations. He did. We got several confirmations ourselves, we got confirmations from Shanghai,... All was clear: This is the place!
But the same thing happened again: We didn't hear from the agent for days. He promised to get back to us as soon as he hears from the landlord (expected last Wednesday). But we didn't hear anything until today, 5 days later. But whenever I felt like giving up, whenever I got discouraged, I turned to God. And every single time, the message was the same: "This is your place, keep pressing in, you'll get it." Last night I had one of the most personal times with God in a long time. And one of the messages was clear: "You'll get this place!"
So with that confidence, we decided to contact the agent again today. This time, the answer was not what we expected: "The landlord decided on someone else."
Now we're really confused. Because God clearly spoke something else to us several times, to us directly and through others. Whenever we felt down about this whole thing, He lifted us up. Whenever we felt like "this is not going to go through, we're not going to get it" God gave us some form of a confirmation to continue pressing in. I even stopped looking for other places, as I felt God was telling me to press in solely on this place. I had already written down the blog with the praise report of how perfect this new place is, how Faithful God is, how all His words (Logos AND Rhema) are absolutely trustworthy, what amazing things God does when we dare to trust Him,... (It's still in the system, all I'd have to do is to make it visible, and everybody could read it like this blog entry) It was all ready. Just to get this response today that the place has been taken by someone else.
Now we're confused. What now? How can we move on if we can't trust what we hear God say to us? Our friends allowed us to stay a little bit longer at their place, but they will have to start renovation at their place pretty soon. Where will we stay?
Just yesterday, God spoke so clearly to me. It started at the church service, the message was about "keeping passion alive". I felt a new urgency. I realized that I had lost a bit of perspective. I was so occupied with so many other things that I lost a little bit of the passion that God has given us to start a church here. That passion took a bit of a backseat, in my mind I thought that "I'll do all these other things first, then when we have time, then we'll pursue the church again". God rebuked me on that yesterday and made it clear: "The time is short, the mission is urgent: Pursue the church project now, don't delay it!" So I repented of my lukewarm attitude that had crept in over the last 2, 3 weeks. And I realized that God desires to give us a perfect place way more than we desire it ourselves. He wants us to find a place soon, so we can live here, settle down and focus on what we really came here for. There was once again this supernatural assurance: "This is our place, it's perfect for you AND the church. He's killing two birds with one stone, providing one place for two purposes." I was never more assured of God's will than last night. His joy, His peace, His assurance, His love,... It was all there. Haven't felt as close to God as I did last night for a while. A piece of heaven on earth, and a very clear revelation of what He was telling me.
And then 12h, there came the "no" from the agent. And suddenly everything changed. Assurance turned to questions. Peace turned to despair. Joy turned to frustration. Trust turned to confusion.
We don't know. Trying the same way again feels like a waste of time. (applying for hundreds of apartments on the internet, just to get an email back from maybe 10, being invited to 3, and to be told one week later that "there was just one other person who got the place") Energy is running low, hopes have been dashed too often. But do we know of an alternative way? Not really.
We're really not sure how we can move forward from here. One thing we know: God doesn't want us to go somewhere else for a year, or even for a month or two. The time is now. He wants us to be here in Munich right here, right now. He wants us to pursue this church now, not in a year or two. But without a place, we simply can't do what we know He called us to do.
So what's next? We don't know. Would continue praying for the same place simply be ignorance, denial and madness? Or is God wanting to make such a huge statement that "something happens with the person who got the place", e.g. he won't sign the contract, and God reopens the door? Is that Faith or is that denial? And since nothing worked for the last month: What do we have to do differently so that we can find a place in the next 2 weeks or so? And what's our Plan B, in case we can't find anything by then?
We just need a miracle from Him. Cause without His intervention, we'll soon have to take actions for the sake of this family that will prevent us from fulfilling the calling that He has on our lives. We'd have to leave Munich for an indefinite amount of time, or we'd have to stay at a hostel or something, which would cost A LOT of money every day.
We're not sure where this is going. We know God is still faithful. We are not questioning His love, His goodness or His Faithfulness. But we are confused about this whole situation, and we can't figure out "what went wrong". Especially the contrast from last night to today. Why did He lift me up THAT high last night, higher than I felt with/about Him for many months, if He perfectly knows that we get a "no" today? Why didn't He simply tell me know yesterday, rather than me getting high and confident in Him, just to fall really deep and hard today? Wouldn't it have been more loving if He didn't do what He did last night?
As long as we can't figure out these kinds of questions, it'll be hard to move forward. Next time when we think that God is speaking to us, how can we know that it's really God this time? Did we hear correctly this time, or are we making a mistake again?
We need His touch. Somehow, He has to reconcile what we just went through with what we know is true about Him. Cause as of right now, we can't put these two things together.
Appreciate your prayers as we walk this path with Him.
Thank you. :-)
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